Saturday, February 16, 2013

Thoughts and experiences

I'm not sure why, but lately I have wanted to do one of my "non-travel" posts.  I have been in New Zealand just over six months.  As many of you know, I love to travel and so joined the State Department so that I could live and work overseas.  I've had quite a few varying experiences traversing the world (lol, well almost!  I still have a few places to visit).  But I would say that this hasn't been only a travel journey, but it's been a journey of discovering me and allowing my personality to blossom. I'm still basically the same person, but as my family says, "just MORE me".  Lol. 
I looked forward to experiencing other cultures, traveling to exotic locals, some of which I'd always dreamed of going to!  Some have lived up to my expectations, and others aren't quite so "romantizied" in my mind anymore.  There are places I thought I'd never go and that I will never go back to.  There are places that I didn't think I'd go to but would LOVE to go back and visit. 
One can't help tying personal experiences to the places that you visit.  This includes the people that you meet along the way.  I can say that I have some amazingly wonderful friends from every where I've lived.  Some people have come into my life for a brief moment, been a HUGE part of my life at that particular moment and who I will never see or speak to again in this life.  Some of it is by my choice, some if it is by their choices.
Throughout this journey, I've dated guys, both members and non-members and I still haven't found that person that I can share my life with.  I know that one day I will, but right now, I am still looking.  I guess I feel a need to write this post because once again, I've fallen for a guy who isn't the "one".  And I'm saying this in that the "one" is the one we BOTH choose to be the "one".  For a long time, I thought I was broken...that I couldn't love someone the way I'd need to, in order to be able to overlook the little things.  The truth is, I can love someone that way, but I tend to fall in love with ones who don't deserve me or treat me the way I deserve to be treated.  It's been hard, but I've learned to move on from those people.  It can take a very long time, or it can take a couple of weeks.  But the thing is, I learn and grow from each experience.  And I don't always make the best choices, which sometimes leads me to fall for the "wrong" guys, lol, but I know that even if I mess up, it's ok.  I can move on, hopefully wiser and more experienced. 
Going through a break-up, a heart-break from unrequited love, or any other time one experiences love that doesn't last, is difficult.  We all go through a mourning period where we don't want to do anything, where we don't know if we can go on.  The truth comes around that we can go on, because we have to.  Then we start feeling strong again, then moments of happiness start appearing, and then we go through a period where we are happy to be alone.  Much different than the weeks or months previously, where we missed that other person SO much, we didn't know how we'd ever come to a point to be happy again.  And some of this is about choice.  The things we do make our choices easier or more difficult.  If there is someone who you are suffering from unrequited love, what you have to do is change your routine to ensure that you don't see them.  When thoughts of them come to you, do whatever it is you need to stop and change those thoughts.  For me, praying, reading the scriptures and listening to music helps a lot in this stage.  I have some great songs that will help if anyone needs some advice! ;-)  But music can be cleansing.  Just as the scriptures say that the song of the righteous is a pray unto heaven, a song that is able to showcase what you are feeling or thinking, that you can identify with, can bring you strength.  At least it does for me.  And the most important choice is to know when to stand up for yourself and say what you want.  If saying "I want a relationship of respect" isn't well received, then you know that person isn't right for you.  Cut it off earlier rather than later, because they WON'T change.  Not that they CAN'T, but they have to want to change.  And by standing up and saying what you want and accept, and then sticking to it can be hard.  It can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, or at least for me, it's been one of the hardest things I've had to do.  But I grow stronger every time I do it.  And I'm not looking for someone perfect, but someone that is perfect for me.  And the one that is perfect for me will want similar things. 
Sometimes when you are going through a break-up or a heart-break, it feels that romance and love is an illusion (or at least that's how I feel sometimes) but I know it isn't.  I've seen romance and love between others that I know.  And I know that one day I'll find that person.  I already give everything to the person that I fall for and am simply looking for someone who will give the same.  Sometimes it's not easy to remain strong and not just "date" someone so I'm not alone, but that isn't honest with them or myself, so I look to friends to help fill the time until I can spend time alone and remember that I am worth loving...and one day I'll find someone who feels the same, and things will all come together, the timing, the attraction, and I will have my "eternity"...
Looking forward to that day...more than most know...


Bridgette Blake said...

So sorry to hear you are having a struggle. Unfortunately, it seem life provides one struggle after another. Cody and I both remember those singles struggles and it just makes finding the right one that much more sweet. You will find a great man to love you like you deserve. Just keep you eyes and your heart wide open and Heavenly Father will help you. We love you and are looking forward to seeing you in a couple weeks.

Mischa Brewer said...

Thanks sister! That was very sweet. I can't wait to see you guys too! Less than a week! YAY!